Jesus. The kids have been doing my head in lately. Last night there was a massive meltdown as Patrick did not want to eat the dinner I had made (stuffed cabbage - we've had it before and they ate it then), this led to Ted not wanting to eat his. Not even trying. I must be a bit fragile at the moment because I just flipped out. This in turn led to Patrick telling me (again) how mean I am and that he hates me and wishes I was dead. Ted has also told me tonight he will hate me forever. I think I am just so fed up that I can't handle it. I also have to stop walking around thinking how fed up I am as I know this is making it worse. I am going to have to find some other way of dealing with it. I still don't feel as if I am truley expressing myself on this blog. Perhaps because typing is not writing and also because I can't find the proper time to do it. Lets see how this goes.

Don't read this, seriously

I've come to a realisation (well, it came to me ages ago but I'm busy and haven't got round to it) ...when I first discovered the internet at University I kept a diary, pretty much every day and
 the idea of keeping a blog where anyone could read it seriously freaked me out. I mean, Jesus, I didn't want anyone reading anything I'd written. Then, I thought I'd give it a go but I hated that ridiculous, chipper, narrative voice and my desperate desire not to offend anyone or express an opinion. Anyway, I stopped writing it as I thought I was spending time blogging rather than doing and of course I was annoyed that no-one was reading it. I've also realised that I never read anyone else's blog, I just look at the pictures. So perfect, I don't want anyone to read it and no one is going to. Result. Plus, I can't always be bothered to load up photos. However, I would like to keep a record of whats going on. I've been meaning to keep up with it ever since Patrick was born but life is slipping away from me in a most alarming way.

There will also probably be quite a lot of self pity. Bear with me here. This is stuff I cannot express in my day to day life. I don't want to heap my grief on people for them to deal with. Especially my children...but I am sad, every day and have no way to deal with it.